By The Rev. Dr. Carl Grosse
“How are you doing? Would you like to talk about it?” These two questions can work wonders. They can require some time and attention to listen to the response with care. The recent deaths of Miller Sullivan and Phyllis Brandon triggered things for many people in our church family. Some of you found yourselves recalling events and feelings that you thought you were long done with. Some of you encountered new questions and struggles that shook you a bit. Finding someone to work through it with you is a tricky business. Not everyone can handle the loads we want to dump. I suppose that’s why we have therapists, pets, and AI companions.
Let me recommend God as a resource. Whatever else one might believe about the divine, you can unload anything to God. I have told God things I would never divulge to anyone else. I have even yelled at God. Never has lightning struck me as a result, nor have I had a roof come crashing down on me because of it. I might not be satisfied with God’s response or lack thereof, but at least I got it out and the relationship held.
If you find yourself on the receiving end of someone who trusts you enough to open up a little, here are three tips. 1) Do more listening and keep the talking to a minimum; 2) Offer sympathy. Words like, “I’m sorry that happened”, or “That must have been so hard for you”, can give you a lot of mileage; 3) Avoid advice or giving answers if possible (and it’s VERY possible!). Instead, neutral questions that invite honest or constructive responses can be useful. Ask “What did that feel like for you?”, or “What has been helpful to you?”. If you do give an answer, remember “I don’t know” counts.
I’m not suggesting we all take courses in brief therapy, but there are ways we can be good listeners when people need that from us. Even the Bible encourages us to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Like everything else, if we do it with love and care for others, simply listening might be just what conveys God’s care for that person and exactly what they need in the moment.